Pre-deployment

We're in the last few weeks now. Pre-deployment is hard.  For the adults it can be a really difficult time. The leaving process seems to be very drawn out causing a state of extreme unrest.  It just needs to be over.  They've been away a lot on essential pre-deployment training. You want them gone so you can crack on, proving to yourself that you can cope and, more importantly, start counting down rather than counting up.  For them, minds on the impending job, they try to contain the excitement and nerves but they just want to get out there and just get stuck in.  Bickering can start as emotions are so charged. And then suddenly they are gone and you regret all the missed opportunities you could have spent with them in the last few weeks.

The kids though, they don't know any of this. They don't know how they are suppose to feel in these last few weeks. Do they even know it is the last few weeks? They are both used to Daddy being away but a while ago Daddy left in the new camouflage uniform with all his gear. It shocked me how much it effected T. It was painful to watch a 5 year old go through so much emotional pain that it became physical. He said 'My heart is cracking coz Daddy isn't here...what if Daddy falls out my heart?...I'm Daddy sick, that's what happens to boys whose Daddy's are away'.  But worse of all, he stood at the back door trying to be brave through his whole body tears whilst waiving Daddy off saying 'have a good day at work Daddy'. He was awake in the night crying and was sick.

It seemed that the sudden shock of him leaving in uniform surprised him. He is normally 'ok' with Daddy being away. So we decided to prewarn them a little bit. W, who is 3 and is very chilled out and laid back, appears unaffected.  Until he starts wetting himself with a regularity that is no accident or wakes up at 5am demanding to be 'nuggled', his word for a cuddle.  We told him Daddy was going away for a long time, quite a few sleeps and might not be back for his birthday. He was going to the desert to help people. We do live on the base so they are fully away of guns, tanks, Commando's, a lot of things that other boys their age are not even imaging. So W's reply was 'and to kill bad people'.  No flies on him, although lets hope they don't get close enough for any killing to take place.  But there was no tears, just a cuddle.

T was yet again struck down and broken. Through shattering tears he asked questions about bomb proof pants, body armour, bombs, rockets, limbs lost and anything else he has picked up in our last 2 years living amongst it. He proclaimed his love, how he will not be able to be happy if Daddy isn't there, that he'll try but he won't be able to smile. His final crushing statement was 'what if you get shot in the neck'.